Saturday, March 31, 2012

"Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married"

Marriage or any relationship takes effort, kindness, forgiveness, understanding, patience, and so much more. I am not an expert, but I do have a minor in Psychology, plus my husband and I are almost at our 3 year anniversary come July, so we are doing something right. I've also kept my friendships between many of my childhood friends, as well as, new friends. I love being able to share our life challenges, struggles, marriage, divorce, birth, and loss. Yah, I know I'm getting TOO deep here, but I wanted to introduce this post well. I recently finished reading, "Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married" by Gary Chapman and here are some key points from this book. I recommend anyone who is single, dating, engaged, or married read this book. He brings up many great points, some are religious so I don't want you to think I'm pushing any sort of personal religious beliefs, since I myself am not very religious but do have faith and I am spiritual. This book isn't that long, but has very well worth while points.....

"We will have conflicts. Conflicts are not a sign that you have married the wrong person. They simply affirm that you are human. What we fail to recognize is that our spouse has the same opinion of their ideas. Their logic will not agree with your logic, and their emotions will not mirror your own".

"Talking without listening leads to arguments".

"Compromise in a marriage is not only positive but it is necessary. Compromise means to find a meeting place. It requires each of you to be willing to give up something in order to have harmony in the marriage. IF, on the other hand, we both insist on having our way, then we are back in the argument mode. In marraige it is never "having it my way." Rather it's discovering "our" way".

"Meeting in the middle involves finding a meeting palce in the middle of your original ideas that both of you agree is workable".

If you are the one to compromise "you are choosing to do what they desire as an act of love because you care about them and you see how important it is to them". 

"I found out that the woman whom I married had ideas, some of which I considered to be stupid. And I told her so. My words were harsh and lead to a downward spiral". 

"There are no healthy marriages without apology and forgiveness".

"It's not necessary to be perfect in order to have a good marriage. But it is necessary to apologize when you do things that hurt each other". 

"Who is going to clean the toilet?? Who does what? Even this simplest question of who cleans what is important to discuss. Confusion over roles is one of the most stressful aspects of contemporary marriages". 

"I wish someone had told me all this stuff before I got married! Our first years of marriage would have been much easier. Since we did not discuss these issues, our marriage was filled with conflicts, misunderstandings, and frustration. I know the feeling of being married and thinking, "I've married the wrong woman." I reasoned that surely if I married the "right one," it would not be this difficult. Yes, we eventually found answers to our frustrations and resolution to our conflicts. We learned how to listen to each other empathetically and understand feelings and desires and to reach workable solutions". 

--Gary Chapman

Some resources that were provided in the book: (quizzes on what is your type of love communication, my husband thought it was silly, but the results are actually pretty right on) (resources for marriage building skills)

So do you have any thoughts on this matter???
Any words of wisdom, experiences, or do you find any of this helpful???

1 comment :

  1. THis was a great post! I especially liked the "who cleans what" Maybe about time Chris & I talk about that because he expects me to clean everything & that just is not me!!! Hahaha :)


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